Schapelle’s shock admission after punch-up
Schapelle Corby is interrogated by soldiers on Channel 7's SAS and reveals the extreme psychosis she experienced in jail - the confession providing an explosive end to the reality show's premiere which also saw Roxy Jacenko quit and race off faster than that jogger who kept crapping in her driveway.
The reality show, which puts 17 celebrities through the torture of the SAS selection process, begins with a warning: "This program contains scenes of physical danger and mental stress that some viewers may find confronting."
Oooh, ominous. As seasoned viewers of Married At First Sight, this will not be an issue. Frankly, we've seen worse. But we invite the team of ex soldiers to try their hardest.
"It's a brutal process that will physically and mentally break you down," one of the soldiers grunts and this warning also really pinpoints what it's like to date me.
We're really only here for two reasons.
1. Schapelle Corby
2. To see Roxy Jacenko hurtling out of a helicopter
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It's a rag tag troupe of celebrities. They're dragged out of a truck and made to line up along a remote riverbed with bags over their heads.
"I'd like to think the celebrities will find out there's more to life than being fake," one of the soldiers spits.
Honestly, that statement is just uncalled for. How dare he assume that, because these people are in the public eye, they're superficial. It's shortsighted to just declare that, because someone earns a living by commercialising their personality, they're shallow. Not one of the celebrities here is fak-
Oh hey Roxy.
We rip the bag off the next person's head and it's the Honey Badger. What a blast from the past. This is his first reality show since starring in The Bachelor two years ago - a whirlwind experience where he started out a national treasure and then quickly morphed into Australia's most hated man after he dumped all the girls and wasted our time.
He goes and takes a dig at the crapstorm he got battered by after that reality TV debut.
"I've had a lot of media attention. I think this selection course will give me a chance to show more of the real me because you can't hide and it's not fake," he declares.
How dare he imply The Bachelor is anything but genuine and factual. He couldn't find the strength to fake-marry a girl he had no feelings for but apparently he thinks he can withstand being waterboarded. We look forward to seeing this tale of redemption unfold.
Finally, the main attraction is unveiled. Australia, please welcome our favourite convicted drug smuggler!
On any reality show, the contestants who go far are the ones who come in armed with a catchphrase. Schapelle delivers in the first three seconds.
"If you're over 15 years old and you say you've never heard the name Schapelle Corby, um, bullshit," she states.
Going into the first task where they'll be pushed backwards out of a helicopter, all the celebrities talk a big game.
"I actually don't think I've ever had a failure. I honestly can say that," Roxy brags.
Ugh, shove her out of the helicopter!
As the temperature plunges to four degrees, everyone is forced to get naked and change outfits on a deserted beach before they're taken to the remote compound where they'll live for two weeks.
We never thought we'd say this, but, we miss the trash pile Bachelor mansion and the tacky red champagne flutes. Who knows what they're going to drink champagne out of in here.
The celebrities are told to address the soldiers as "staff" and we will also do this - not because we respect them but because we couldn't be bothered remembering their actual names.
And then all the celebrities are given different numbers which they'll be referred to instead of their actual names. But we will still refer to them by their actual names - not because we respect them but because we couldn't be bothered remembering their numbers.
It's time for the next challenge. Everyone's taken to the middle of a field and told to beat each other up.
"You will stand toe-to-toe and punch a hole in your opponent's face. If they hit the deck, you will follow up and you will punch them until their f**king face is deep in the dirt," the soldiers instruct.
AFL player Sabrina Frederick is called up and told to pick her opponent. She chooses Honey Badger and everyone gasps.
Now this is just a real bind to be in. Honey Badger came on here to overhaul his image. And now he has to hit a girl? Not just hit a girl - but punch her until her "f**king face is deep in the dirt". Maybe he'll hold back?
Roxy gets beaten up by Candice Warner and then Schapelle's forced to punch on with that Ali chick who used to be The Bachelorette. But then Fight Club gets interrupted when that guy from Underbelly starts making faces and the soldiers punish the entire group by submerging them in an ice-cold river.
Roxy refuses. She has been lagging behind everyone all day, even just with general walking. "I can't do it. I actually can't. My leg's killing me. I can't do it. It's so f**king painful. I don't wanna give up."
Just a few hours into the two-week challenge, she quits. If only she attacked this assignment with the same tenacity she pursued that jogger who kept crapping in her driveway.
Back at the mud hut, Schapelle is summoned to an interrogation room. The soldiers are impressed with her mental strength and they do some googling. They start playing old YouTube clips of her in that Bali courtroom being sentenced.
"Take me back to the moment you thought this was a good idea," one of the soldiers barks.
"I didn't," she denies. "I went to Bali for a holiday. And then in Bali airport, I picked up my boogie board, and the handle had been cut."
The soldiers antagonise her. "You didn't know someone had cut your boogie board up? Is that what you're trying to say? How come a court of law can prove you guilty? And then you're saying, 'It wasn't me'. What, it just magically turned up in your boogie board and you though, 'Ugh, don't know how that happened'?"
Tears start rolling down her cheeks. She remembers what it was like in that cell in Kerobokan Prison.
"I suffered. I started to have mental illness really bad in 2008. And I lived in psychosis for four years," she shares.
She says her dad died unexpectedly and the repeated denials of her appeals pushed her to the brink.
"So mid-2008 I started losing my mind," she says. "Hallucinating. I couldn't eat. I don't eat meat anymore because my hallucinations were so vivid I thought I was eating my dad's human flesh."
The soldiers are impressed with her grit and determination. Perhaps she could win this thing.
Wait, does someone win this thing? We don't know - it's not entirely clear how the game works. But if there is a winner, Schapelle could be it. And we'll be scream-crying our support like Mercedes Corby at the centre of a media scrum.
Originally published as Schapelle's shock admission after punch-up