Peak Bogan: MAFS wife's ugly fight with cheater
After a week-long disappearance, Married At First Sight's Lizzie has resurfaced on the Gold Coast and launched a fiery attack on Ines, drunkenly tearing shreds off her in a bar following the circulation of a salacious rumour.
The chaos is just something we didn't see coming. I mean, they're a bunch of unaware reality show contestants who are being plied with alcohol on the Gold Coast. It's so unexpected.
As well as terrifying the regular patrons of this random Surfer's Paradise pub, Lizzie also graphically details the racy sex act she secretly tried with Sam: Thumbing. Sex & The City should be rebooted just to address the hot new thumbing craze. If you haven't been thumbed, you're totally frigid.
I guess we should also talk about the affair even though none of us really want to. Well, maybe we don't have to. It's no fun discussing it when it's so contrived. I'd rather eat one of Lizzie's stale handbag biscuits.
Okay, we'll compromise and just do bare minimum details about the Sam and Ines shebang. I use the word "shebang" because that's literally what happened last night, apparently. The sun rises and we find them waking up in Sam's bed and we can tell both of them have rancid morning breath.
"When we got back to his room things got even hotter. It was a sexy night," Ines tells us.
"I think the cuddling was good too. It was … big … you know?"
Indeed, we do know and we absolutely wish we didn't.
The only thing we believe to be real is Sam not wanting to be anywhere near Lizzie, so when she busts in on him and shrieks hello - after being officially missing for a week - he's positively terrified.
Meanwhile, everyone's talking about a big filthy rumour. Word has it that Sam and Ines were getting racy in the sauna together and Martha has pictures. It's weird that Martha's running around taking X-rated pictures of people, but you do what you have to do when it comes to blackmail.
What's more weird though is Martha is wearing this gross hat with a scarf wrapped around it.
Everyone's hitting the streets of Surfer's Paradise for a boys' and girls' night. The occasion doesn't explain Martha's hat but it does explain the mess that follows.
As expected, the boys' night is gross. It's basically six hours of everyone berating Dino about why he hasn't had sex with Melissa yet and it ends with all the men chanting, "Slam her! Slam her! Slam her!"
I know it seems like I'm withholding context on this chant and maybe I am, but it doesn't really help it anyway.
Down the street in another random bar, Ines takes the same approach as me when I'm invited anywhere.
"I don't wanna hang out with them all night … half an hour is good and then I'll go home," she says.
The Yellowglen is popped and the gals are loving life.
"I've had my fair share of penis but now I'm actually scared of the penis," Melissa confides and just as we're about to yell "same!", the velvet curtains behind her part and in walks Lizzie.
Oh Lizzie. She's so unaware in life and love. After delivering 73 wild facial expressions, she sits down and enthusiastically tells us that, before her disappearance, she hooked up with Sam.
The girls decide to #FactCheck this. Pressed for more details about the hook-up, Lizzie leans in and spills.
"He thumbed my mouth," she whispers.
We look at her with scrunched up faces.
"He was sticking his thumb in my mouth," she explains, before miming the graphic act.
Ohhhhh. Whoa, whoa. Hold up, Lizzie. You guys thumbed? That's insane. I've been trying for years to get a guy to thumb me but they're all such prudes. I hint at it but they always shut it down and get all, like, "I would never marry a man who has been thumbed".
Some people can't handle it and it's always a bit embarrassing to ask for, so you gotta just kinda lean into it. Maybe start with a pinky.
Hopefully with Lizzie's tick of approval, thumbing will gain the exposure and acceptance it deserves and everyone will start doing it. Get on board. Thumbing. Try it tonight.
Lizzie's sexy admission really grinds Ines. She's in love with Sam and, until now, she thought their night together in his hotel room was sexy. But he never once tried to thumb her. So she lashes out.
"Your relationship will never work out because you come here and you disrespect him. I don't know if he does the same because I don't really speak to him. But I don't think that's a healthy thing," she snaps at Lizzie.
Suddenly, we cut to a dive bar across town and Sam is also telling the boys about how he thumbed Lizzie - but he says she forced herself on his thumb.
"Elizabeth is making moves, it's like piranhas attacking my face. And I'm not into it. So I reach the hand up, I sorta go to push her away. So she grabs the hand and she just goes like …" and that's where he mimes Lizzie forcing his thumb in her mouth. "She's just loving it. I was not turned on at all."
That's the thing about thumbing. It doesn't matter how much you want it, the desire has gotta be mutual.
By now, everyone is positively drunk. And after talking about herself for three hours, Lizzie finally realises Lauren isn't here. Talk turns to Matthew and his social anxiety and Ines rolls her eyes and this is when the night begins to get wild.
"Heyyyy!" Lizzie screams, lurching across the table. "No! That's outta line!"
"Yeah, I get anxiety, too. Have a drink," Ines laughs. Lizzie goes even more berserk.
"Whooooa. That's just something you don't touch on. That's low! That is extremely low. Look at your smile. That is low! You should feel ashamed of yourself for that!" Lizzie screams.
She storms off to the bar and the pub's regular patrons move far away. Cyrell follows and, despite earlier pledging to avoid all drama tonight, she decides to completely immerse herself in it.
"While you were away … I heard Ines has been hanging out in the sauna with Sam … Whether they kissed or hooked up, I don't know," she says.
The rumour sends Lizzie over the edge. And this is where the night reaches peak bogan with a screaming match in a Gold Coast bar.
"Ines! Did you hook up with Sam in the sauna?" Lizzie yells at Ines from across the bar.
"Why don't you come here and say it to me instead of screaming," Ines rolls her eyes.
"Oh baby, I can come," Lizzie yells while strutting over and whipping her hair extensions.
She stands over Ines, jolting her head and waving her nails in the air.
"Speak up ladies, what have you all heard? Come on. Speak up! Speak up!" she demands.
Ines handles the situation in a typically calm fashion.
"When Elizabeth stormed over and stood there like a full blown cockatoo with her claws out, it was so foul," she snips.
Oh, come on Ines. She doesn't look like a cocka-
Still successfully avoiding drama, Cyrell chimes in.
"I told her! I don't give a f*ck if I'm a rude bitch. That's me, I'm a rude bitch all the f*ckin' time," she screams.
But she has a very good explanation for why she told Lizzie the rumour.
"Before I told her the rumour I said, I don't know if it's true," she defends, because everyone knows it's OK to trade gossip as long as you always preface it: "I don't know if it's true, but …"
The other girls step in and break up the bar fight. Lizzie is yanked by her hair extensions back to her seat.
To think tonight got so messy is just embarrassing. Cat fights, name calling, screaming matches about who slept with whom in a sauna. It's disgraceful.
In an attempt to salvage the evening, we beg everyone to just wind it back, sip some water, and talk about more civilised things - like thumbing.
For more observ ations on gross scarf hats and thumbing, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir