Worst act a friend can commit
THERE are three things in life no human should face: Discrimination. Violence. And the sporadic drop-in.
Nothing is worse than the sporadic drop-in - a surprise visit, usually by a friend or family member, who arrives at your front door without warning and expects to be let inside.
The knock echoes down the hallway and your body freezes in shock as you look around at the unwashed dishes, piles of clothes and empty chocolate wrappers that blow through your home.
Indeed, nothing is worse than the sporadic drop-in.
Yes, that statement is dramatic. There are things that are worse. Like world hunger, climate change and businessmen in suits who ride Razor scooters to work. But this column is not the place to think twice about sweeping statements, so we'll say it again: Nothing's worse than a sporadic drop-in.
"What about a sporadic drop-in by the Australian Federal Police?" News Corp political editor Annika Smethurst - whose Canberra home was targeted in a police raid this week - may say.
And fine. For the purpose of accurate reporting, we'll allow a clarification. The only thing worse than a sporadic drop-in is a sporadic drop-in by the AFP.
AFP officers rocked up to her pad with a search warrant on Tuesday and spent hours riffling through her stuff and judging it. In essence, it sounds pretty similar to when your judgy nan arrives for a sporadic drop-in. In fact, both a visit from the AFP and your judgy nan could accurately be described as a raid.
The AFP raids this week are basically my worst fear come to life: a group of people cleaning out my house after I die and me not being there to justify all the crap they find. "Why are there so many unopened bags of spinach that have now disintegrated into liquid?" someone would yell from the fridge. "Why was his last Google search: 'How to wear a caped blazer without looking like an idiot?'" another would question aloud while looking up from my laptop.
An unexpected knock at the front door incites fear in everyone. Sporadic drop-ins would be fabulous as long as they came with a seven day warning and the option to cancel.
Can you tell your friends and family to go away when they arrive unannounced? You consider cracking open the front door and whispering, "Not interested," before shutting it again. But this move is feeble.
Those who perform the sporadic drop-in are tenacious beings and not easily deterred. The AFP will continue to bust into your home unannounced. And so will your judgy nan.
PUT YOUR HASHTAGS OUT
Australia, your prayers are needed. Now is not the time for selfishness, there are people with real problems. Like Instagram influencers.
Ah, influencers. A precious and misunderstood subset of the human race. Like a stunning new species of bird created in a lab by scientists, their beauty is not natural. They're too delicate to survive in this cruel world.
Put your hashtags out for former Bachelor contestant Tiffany Scanlon, who this week bravely shared she's not getting enough "likes" on her Instagram posts.
"I'm having a whinge but when I see posts that are of a girl in a bikini with a caption of the sun emoji getting thousands of likes, and I try so hard to post meaningful content, I really can't help but feeling it is pointless even bothering," she sighed.
"I don't know how to change this. I don't have an answer," she concluded. Powerful stuff. Tiffany's raw story just tugs at your heartstrings like a TV commercial for a third world sponsor child. Where can we donate? Is there a #sponspo skinny tea we can buy to show our support?
While we're at it, we should also make sure we put our hashtags out for Arii - some 18-year-old influencer whose newly-launched fashion line tanked this week when she failed to sell more than 36 T-shirts on the 'Gram despite having two million followers.
Influencers face struggles neither you or I could possibly understand. We don't know the pressures that come with promoting injectable melatonin on the internet. Testing the latest in laser teeth whitening technology, influencers put their lives and enamel on the line for us and we should really show them more respect.
Without influencers, how else would we convince ourselves to, under no circumstance, get lip filler? These people do God's work.
Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir