Drunk catfight explodes over affair video
Claims of a secret video capturing a Married At First Sight affair spark a hilariously petty fight during a drunken girls' night that ends with the show's resident law graduate in tears because everyone keeps mocking her attempts at having an Ally McBeal moment.
"I'm a loy-aaargh! I am! I am a loy-aaargh!" Stacey whines across the table as everyone giggles. She keeps banging on about needing evidence to believe the cheating allegations levelled against her husband Michael, but sobs when everyone else demands evidence that she didn't just print her university certificate off the internet.
It's that time of the series where we take all the contestants on an excursion for a drunken boys' and girls' night out. These episodes have always proven to be delightfully hellish affairs. Last year, Lizzie picked a fight and ended up attacking everyone like a really annoyed cockatoo. We can only hope she outdoes herself this evening.
So we hide KC's hair crimper, pop a wine straw in our handbags alongside the biscuits and head down to the lobby to steal Stacey's Uber.
But just as we're skipping down, we get dragged into the nursing home down the hall where Mishel is still begging Steve to sleep with her.
"I want an intimate cuddle … an intimate cuddle," she says, because everyone is talking like Dr Trisha now. "Intimate cuddle" is apparently the scientific term for "sex".
"I'm not pressuring you… but …" she pressures him.
Steve is kind of pulling a Jonnie - in that he has absolutely no interest in Mishel. But for some reason, he keeps choosing to stay. Why? Probably to get as much exposure as possible for his barber shop so he can become the Stefan of Melbourne. Only, he will be known as Stêvën.
"Who knows, something may happen in a week. Something may happen tomorrow. Who knows?," he teases Mishel, even though we know nothing will happen, ever.
Mishel breaks down and waves the white flag. She's begging to be set free.
"I'm giving you a chance to tell me now if nothing romantic is going to happen," she cries. "I don't want to appear as a naive dumb fool. Just put me out of my misery."
They agree they'll sleep together tonight. Mishel thinks they're going to … sleep together. And Steve thinks they're literally just going to sleep. Together.
Neither of them are aware of the confusion and we skip down to the lobby with an extra pep in our step knowing the humiliating disappointment they're both going to experience in a few hours.
As the boys and girls arrive at their different pubs for the evening, they're all shocked to find that producers have also invited old contestants from earlier in the series - mainly because the current crop are boring. Everyone starts talking about Michael and Stacey's affair again. Is there any air left in that tyre? Nope. But lets jump up and down on it a little bit more.
"The only person who would know is Chris - he was in the room," someone says.
"Who's Chris?" we ask.
"I know that Vanessa has got a video of Michael and Hayley kissing and cuddling," he says.
"Vanessa called me telling me that she's got footage of you doing it. And she assures me you guys are rolling around on the bed hooking up and she's standing there."
Over at the girls' night, all the old cast-offs arrive. Amanda, Vanessa, Hayley.
Cathy rolls in and she's got the bold confidence that only a new haircut can give you.
"Nice colour! Did you go to Stêvën's?" we ask.
Lizzie continues to hold court as the show's VIP - air kissing and referring to the lesser-known peasants as "babe". She's also maintaining her position as the show mole, with producers clearly feeding her questions to ensure something half-decent happens tonight.
"Did you hook up with Michael?" she asks Hayley.
We hear everything we've heard before. Hayley confirms it. Stacey rejects it. Now it's time for the video.
"Basically we were dancing around, having a great time … Michael came in and he was pretty wrecked as well," Vanessa says.
"He was trying to hook up with you at one point!" Hayley points to Vanessa.
"Michael would've taken whoever was in front of him … It just happened to be Hayley unfortunately … He just wanted anyone," Vanessa continues.
"He was trying to hook up with you, he was trying to hook up with me, he was flirting with Chris," Hayley says and … OK … why are we skimming over Michael having the hots for Chris? "He had his Tommy Hilfiger jumper on, walking around like he was Mr King Dick."
Ugh, Hayley. For the last time, it's not Mr King Dick, it's King Ding-a-ling! Please show some respect to Cyrell.
Vanessa confirms she saw the kiss. But what about the video? Turns out, there is no video. Vanessa is as bad as the camera crew on this show and failed to capture anything on film.
"You've said there's a video - there is no video, you're a pathological liar," Stacey splatters.
"Stop badgering the witness!" we yell at her before intentionally knocking our vodka cranberry onto her handbag.
"The reason I said there was a video was to try get Michael to confess to what he did," Vanessa explains as gasps fill the courtroom. "I assume Stacey has a much bigger secret she's hiding from her husband. Probably that she's hooked up with someone else."
Ugh. Vanessa, really? You're going to table new claims and accusations right now? Call us when you've got a secretly filmed sex tape of Stacey and another man, filmed without their permission. This is a courtroom, we need evidence.
Video or no video, the jury believes Vanessa and Hayley but Stacey refuses to accept the judgment being handed down.
"I'm a loy-aargh! I'm a loy-aargh!" she yells, slapping her palm on the table.
"Where did you get your law degree - out of a cereal box?" Hayley mocks her.
"I'll allow it," we reply.
"You're 25 and have two kids. Have you practised?" Hayley continues to jab.
Yet again, Dr Hayley QC is the voice of reason.
"You're a bulldog, mate," Stacey spits at the opposing counsel. "I JUST GOT ADMITTED TO THE BAR! I'M NOT ALLOWED TO PRACTICE LAW!"
"YOU'RE NOT A LAWYER, DARL!" Hayley rebuts, no further questions.
"I want you to f**k off. I think everyone does," Stacey yells while we bang our gabble.
"I object!" Hayley announces.
"Bailiff! Restrain these women!" we yell at Amanda as she wrangles both of them in a headlock.
That's enough! Everyone here is out of order.
They're all muppets. Case closed.
Originally published as Drunk catfight explodes over affair video