‘Disturbing’: Brit’s heatwave shocker
It's a scene Australians often take great joy in roasting.
Sun-starved Poms taking desperate measures to cope with a "heatwave", usually involving topless sunbaking on the nearest patch of grass and drinking pints of ice-cold beer.
The joke, as we know, comes from Brits whingeing about "unbearable" temps - usually around the 20C mark - that most Aussies would consider breezy. And boy do we love to laugh.
But this week, the UK really was slapped with a heatwave when the mercury peaked at 39 degrees, a record for chilly ol' Blighty. And if we thought we'd seen the Brits lose it over warm weather before, it turns out we hadn't seen anything yet.
As panic and despair set in, one desperate woman took to walking through the streets of London completely nude to beat the heat, The Sun reported. Another bloke made his own mini sandy beach on Blackfriars Bridge - complete with a rainbow umbrella hat, inflatable beach ball and a striped garden chair.
Twitter was set alight with jokes and memes about the bizarre behaviour, many brutally mocking the antics.
Most of the UK today at work after being kept up with the storm this morning - which resulted in absolutely no clearing of the air just more sticky muggyness 🤣🤣 we are not built for this weather 🤣🤣🤣 #ukstorm pic.twitter.com/meiu7rBbSl— 💍🐝💧Li♡m🍬🐝💍 (@ArisBarrierBoy) July 24, 2019
me: can’t wait to sleep i’m so tired the weather : pic.twitter.com/STCU40Drrp— luca🍊 (@gloomyld) July 25, 2019
UK weather is so passive aggressive man. Oh, you want summer. How is 37 degrees? pic.twitter.com/8AJ0hCv4mt— M is for Mad (@_Azryah) July 22, 2019
But pandemonium hit an all-time high when one woman resorted to placing an ice block inside her vagina in an extreme bid to cool down.
If the letters WTF are springing to mind right now, you're not alone.
Multiple British news outlets reported on the woman's next-level desperation after she posted it on a forum because she was concerned her vaginal skin had "turned blue".
The story sparked a lot of reaction, including a doctor who advised women against popping an "ice lolly" in their privates - no matter how hot it got.
The gynaecologist, Dr Anne Henderson, told The Sun frozen treats with colours were particularly problematic, as "anything with food colouring, dye, perfume or high levels of sugar will have a negative impact on vaginal pH and lactobacillus and could increase the risk of vaginal infection such as thrush and bacterial vaginosis".
Being a Brit, I'm usually the first to defend the bizarre heat-fighting behaviour going on over there - after all, you've not lived until you've felt the refreshing crunch of sheets pulled fresh from the freezer.
And there is something about the weather there that always makes it feel a good few degrees warmer than it actually is. I swear.
But this act of madness takes the bloody biscuit, and I'm not the only one that's been left completely and utterly confused.
"I cant believe what I am reading," one person wrote on Facebook.
"Why would you stick an ice lolly there for anyway, it don't make sense," another declared.
"I find this rather concerning," another said.
One teased: "What a way to ruin a perfectly good ice lolly."
Another said: "I grew up in Australia and I've never seen a news story like this! God bless the English!"
The bonkers behaviour, however, sparked thousands of funny comments too, many refusing to believe the "crazy" warning being fed to a population of desperate people.
"The British will always crack me up," one said.
"Nothing wrong with a nice deep freeze," another joked.
"Well thanks for telling me #Bittoolatenow," another wrote.
Jokes aside, there's evidence to suggest the nation once famed for its dismal weather is getting warmer because of climate change, with The Independent reporting last year UK summers will shoot up by 5.4C by 2070 if pollution isn't slashed. Even the winter weather is predicted to rise by 4.2C.
So as heat exasperation reaches boiling point, it might be time my home country takes a look at its coping strategies before dignities are robbed from its people for good.
And if not for the bruised souls of the desperately hot citizens of the UK, then do it for the sake of their vaginas.